Failure to Communicate” by Ed McKeown

“What is it?” Over-General Ulat demanded, in tones of nitrogen with an overlay of imperious oxygen. “You’re ruining my contemplation of our glorious victory. ”  He angled a stalked eye at the glowing remains of the humans’ small advance base on the horizon.  The strange creatures with their superior technology had fallen to a surprise assault.

The Chief Scientist bowed and scraped as well as his circular form allowed, emitting a lesser degree of nitrogen with the appropriate helium of humility.  Yet there was a clear overlay of argon, indicating emotional distress of the highest order.

“Speak,” the general relented, with a sigh of hydrogen.

“It was all a mistake,” the scientist wailed in argon.  A tentacle whiplashed toward the glowing ruins. “The entire war is a mistake!”

“What are you talking about?”

“We just succeeded in decoding their written language,” the scientist exhaled, argon heavy about him. “Humans have a different method of communication.  I know it sounds crazy, but they use modulated sound waves, sent through the atmosphere.”

“Impossible,” the general scoffed, but with an isocyanate of doubt.

“They have specially developed organs on the sides of their heads that pick up vibrations in the air,” the scientist insisted. “Vibrations that we sense only through conduction, they pick up from the air itself.  They do not communicate as we do.”

“But I was there,” the general declared in oxygen.  “I experienced their leader’s vile slander of our hive-mother. Are you saying it was –”

“An incidental byproduct of the human’s digestive system, not unusual, especially in the older males of their species,” the scientist replied.

“No,” the general insisted. “The torrent of abuse and invective that he heaped on her sacred name was so foul, so intricate, so obscene, it could only be the product of –”

“The bean paste and crackers we served them at the reception,” the scientist vented in despair. “We have begun a war with a nuclear-armed, star-faring species based on a failure to communicate. We are doomed.”
           The general fainted, deflating from every orifice.